All of the “what ifs”

It’s the night before my next trip, the one that is rudely interrupting my weekend and taking me back to Charlotte.

It will be my first trip on my new drug, Provigil, the one I take for fatigue. For some odd reason, I actually feel nervous. I’m anxious to see how I will feel tomorrow. How I will manage the airport grind. Whether or not my legs will hold up any better (oddly, I notice while on my full dose of Provigil my legs seems less wonky…weird. Not so much on the half dose).

I wonder how I will feel. Sometimes when I travel I feel sad. Almost lonely – and I never feel lonely. I guess when I’m run down and I’m in a strange place it makes me feel extra vulnerable. Sort of raw. Maybe even a little scared? What if something happens to me again when I’m alone? Like that time in Florence on the hillside. I don’t like feeling vulnerable. Maybe that’s part of why I’ve started to hate traveling even more than I used to.

People tell me all of the time to quit with the what ifs. And I get it. I do. Live in the moment! Don’t try to figure out tomorrow today blah blah blah. I get it intellectually. I really do. But my whole life is made of what- ifs right now and fighting them sometimes takes more than I have.

Tomorrow, I’ll take a full dose. None of this half-dose crap for a travel day. And I will hope for the best. And I’ll be home again before you know it!

I’m gonna focus on that.

Tell me what you think...