It’s the day before we go home from Cancun and as is usually the case, I’m ready to tap my heels three times and magically be in my own home once more.
I did ok on this trip. Held up pretty well. The resort is huge so getting anywhere (to dinner, to the pool, to the bathroom) is a lot of walking so I am relatively worn out. But I did it. I’m not sure how I feel about the whole thing. I mean, this was an experiment. And as experiments go, it was a good one. But the dose of reality side of things is pretty significant. This fucking disease takes it’s toll. Just doing basic things is an effort. It doesn’t always look like it but it is. Maybe some of it is mental but as much as I’d like to pretend most of it is mental it’s just not. It’s not mental and it pisses me off. But it just is so I guess that’s just life and something I need to accept.
I can still do things. I can still take beach vacations. I may have to consider a cane at some point. Just because I feel very unsteady when I get over tired and it might help me to have something to lean on. Or it might not. It’s hard to say. But I don’t like the feeling unsteady part. It makes me not want to do things and that is the battle – the urge to simply opt out is strong. Or try to find something that makes me feel less unsteady. I keep saying “I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it” and Doctor Scott said he felt I wouldn’t need a cane, with any luck, until I was much older. But Doctor Scott isn’t walking around in my body so I can’t really rely on his advice all of the time.
I think they want you to try not to give in to it. That’s my struggle. I feel like I shouldn’t give in to it, that I should pretend or act able and therefore I will be able. That’s the impression I get from the Great Scott. Or maybe that’s just me projecting. In any event, it’s a struggle. Pretend to be able and feel constantly unsteady. Or give in to being unable and get progressively worse. I feel like those are my options – which is probably nuts but that’s how it feels. Like it’s up to me to decide how this is going to go. I don’t feel like I have that kind of power. I feel powerless quite frankly.
So last night in Cancun. It was a really nice vacation. I’m glad we did it. And as usual, I will be glad to get home. The schlepping around airports and customs and immigration and more airports is the part I dread. I have to remember…if I need help, I can ask for it and I can get help. I just have to accept it and ask. We’ll see how that goes tomorrow.