I’m officially on vacation.
I hate this feeling of limitation. I resist it. Then I embrace it. Then I resist it again. I’m on a yo-yo ride between thinking I can’t do anything and thinking I can do everything. I’m afraid of sleeping too much but I’m always tired. I feel happy at home alone until I start being afraid that I’m getting too used to being alone. Realizing that a short walk to the bank was almost more than I could manage and feeling beaten as a result. The constant back and forth between being outwardly ok with this new me and inwardly scared the fuck to death is wearing me out. This vacation became a necessity. Or an escape. I need a break from life more than I’ve needed a break from life ever before. Maybe not ever. But in a very very long time.
Then it hit me today. What I really need is a break from MS. A break from me. A break from my body. The one thing I can’t get a break from. I’ve been panicking for days now worrying about the heat on this trip. What if it’s too hot and I can’t function? What if I’m miserable? What if the water sucks? What if there are too many steps? What if I get too worn out walking through airports? What if the air conditioning only at night isn’t enough? What if there isn’t enough water for me to drink? What if I hate the resort? What if nobody has fun? What if I can’t do this?
What if I can’t? What if I can’t? What. If. I. Can’t. Even. Relax right.
I need to relax so badly! I’m praying my body doesn’t let me down and make my mind unable to settle. I’m just going to try and let go. I’m going to pack light. I’m going to tell myself it will be ok. I’m going to believe it will be ok. Maybe it will be ok.
Two weeks off work. What if I don’t ever want to go back? What if my old life doesn’t work for my new body? What if I can’t? What if I can’t do it anymore? If I’m not going at full speed is half speed going to be enough? Can I even allow myself to do it? Will it be ok? Will they decide that it’s not enough?
My mind is so busy. So constantly. I really need to make it stop. Or let it go. Or something.