I have tears in my eyes today.
I’m frustrated. Maybe a little bit angry. I find myself having these fantastic fantasies about what my life should be like. Like imagining myself roaming the wild west, hiking the nature and sleeping under the stars. Or living on a beach with only two pairs of shorts, a couple of bathing suits and no deodorant. Or on the far extreme, of wearing fabulous clothes and heels and going out at night to be among the pretty people being wildly social and maybe even dancing!
That last bit is really the only thing remotely close to what my life used to be like. I hate the outdoors. I mean, I love it in theory. But in reality? I don’t ever truly enjoy it when I’m in it. I hate bugs, I get easily tired, I hate being hot. I get blisters just looking at hiking shoes. Athletic shoes in general require yards of mole skin for me to wear. That goes to the beach thing too! I can’t bear to be hot. I can’t walk right on solid ground let alone ground that moves beneath me. I can imagine myself vividly trying to walk into the surf, looking all romantic and graceful then promptly falling face first into the surf and having to crawl out on my hands and knees because I am alone on the beach and I can’t get up without help, sputtering while the surf goes up my nose and sand gets in every crevice. You know. How it would really be. Not how it would be in my insane fantasy.
The reality is that I woke up this morning being grateful that it was not sunny out because the fucking sun make me feel inadequate. Next I start to wonder if I have the energy to take a fucking shower because I haven’t done that since last Thursday and if I have any hope of getting to work before Noon tomorrow, I should shower today. Then I get pissed off because of the damn Olympics there is no Law & Order SVU on television and nothing else to watch on my day of having nothing to do but lounge about. Then I look out my front window and notice it’s not raining (as was promised to me by The Weather Channel app – my version of god) but the sun is coming out. The mother fucking sun. It exists to make me feel inadequate. And I curse it for making me feel so pressured.
I guess I’ll take a damn shower so the day isn’t a complete loss.