I had a rough day today, mentally speaking.
Maybe because it was Saturday. And the weather was beautiful. And I had nothing to do and nowhere to be. It kind of made me sad, to be honest. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to be doing or what I thought I should be doing. I guess when I have time on my hands and the weather is glorious it highlights all of the things I can’t do so well anymore. Like walking. Ha! But seriously. I was feeling weak today. Not tired so much – I took my Provigil and was feeling ok energy wise. But my body just wasn’t up to the energy I had. It’s hard to explain.
I ended up doing a lot. I tagged my blog (the one I finally started and got up and running on Friday night). I took 6 coats to the dry cleaners and swapped out my spring coats for my fall jackets. I laundered and put away 6 sets of sheets. And one load of towels. Well. Now that I put it in writing it feels like I did a ton. All of those things I did involved a lot of stairs from the second floor to the basement and back again. It wears me out.
Maybe I’m missing people? Or social interaction…or having plans. I’d kind of given up on things like that for awhile. I was just feeling so overwhelmed. Maintaining a thriving social life kind of got put on the back burner. Then you consider the fact that doing household chores pretty much takes most of my energy…and I find myself feeling like this disease has truly sucked the fun out of my life.
Or maybe it’s not the disease. Maybe it’s just me. I honestly don’t know anymore where the disease begins and I end or vice versa. Taking care of my house and my four unruly vomiting felines takes it out of me. Daily living kind of things require doing. There’s just always something that needs cleaning or moving or switching or maintaining. Lately I’ve been feeling like the weight of taking care of this house is taking its toll.
Or maybe I just need to get out more.
I’m just not sure anymore. I’m still in the middle of this, I suppose. The part where I’m trying to figure out where the old me and the new me converge – or who the new me actually is. I hope I like her.