I’m not the easiest person to figure out lately. As a result of my current “situation” I’ve become somewhat of an interpersonal nightmare. Being my friend, right now? Not so easy. I mean, it’s just hard to even try to figure out what balls-out insanity might be happening in my head on any given day.
I learned this week that I need to try harder to be more direct and clear with my communication. I need to ask and talk and deal with it when I feel hurt. I need to tell people how I feel – even as it’s changing from minute to minute, second to second. I know I can be hard to read because of that. The thing is, sometimes I’m lonely when I’m alone and I’m often tense and unhappy when I’m NOT alone. I want to be out having fun and being my old self…Until I actually make a plan to go somewhere and then immediately stress out about how much I would REALLY rather stay home.
Sound familiar? It’s exactly how I was after Chuck died. Exactly. Somewhere in my stack of handwritten wire-bound journals from those years of my life there must be those exact words scrawled on a page. Maybe more than once.
I’m mourning again.
This time, I’m mourning myself. I guess I’ve known that all of this time. I just have a hard time accepting it or imagining that it could be real. It’s real. Really real. It feels familiar, even. You’d think I’d be better at it! I should consider giving a masters class in “Effective Mourning Without Doing (much) Permanent Damage to Yourself or Others 101.”
Then today I had a decent day. Just like back then, out of the blue for no good reason at all in the middle of the semi-darkness that is my psyche, a regular old decent day happens.
I did some client calls this morning, even though it was technically a vacation day. Talking to clients, directly, always re-connects me to what I love about my job. I feel useful when I can solve problems. Come up with solutions when challenges are presented. Help make their lives easier. I did that with all three of my clients today. It was (mostly) gratifying.
After that, Brooke and I had lunch at the old Aspinwall Grille, now called The Tavern on the Wall. It was a good call. The food was good. We had a lot to catch up on. And it kept me out of the house while Sue, my long-time cleaning lady, was at my house cleaning maybe for the last time.
Yeah. Like I need another thing to deal with! I talked to Sue a few days ago about how I wanted her to take better care when cleaning for me in the future. Things have been kind of less than perfect. Spots missed. Details ignored. Her response took my totally by surprise. She basically told me she really didn’t have the time to do a really thorough cleaning each time, she’d been meaning to cut back because she’s not getting any younger, ya know, and oh by the way, cleaning up cat vomit turns her stomach.
I’m officially in the market for a new cleaning lady. Maybe a cleaning man. I’m not sure, but whoever it is they will need to clean the shit out of this house (cat vomit and all, I mean they do live here too) and maybe even do some other heavy tasks like emptying the litter lockers every two weeks. Those bags are goddamn heavy.
I’m sure it’s going to be awesome trying to find someone new. It will likely be more expensive. And let’s be honest, I’m not the easiest person to clean for. I’m rather particular, you might say? But I have to get it done. I need to limit my investment of spoons related to basic home maintenance. Taking care of this house is too much for me. That’s just the way it is. Now. Now, that’s just the way it is.
After lunch I went to Target, driving with the top down on the car and enjoying the warmish but-not-too-warm gorgeous fall weather. The trees are really amazing this time of year! And the clouds lately? The clouds lately have been magnificent. Like a painter took his brush to the sky each day and then lit his work at twilight for the ultimate gallery exhibit.
I laid on my bed texting with my friend, BB, after I put away all of my Target purchases because he entertains me and because I needed the rest. But I made the rest enjoyable, right? I didn’t resent the rest. It was fun rest. Thanks, BB.
I’m also kind of embarrassed to admit the joy I felt when looking at the stats on my blog today. Thirty five people looked at/read my blog today. Thirty five! I’m amazed that there’s more than three! I expect my loyal supporters to check it out (Amelia the angel, my old hilarious friend David, Amy G who just gets me). They are the ones who always seem to want to read what I write and I love them all the more for it. But thirty five people read something I wrote. Maybe my standards aren’t very high, but it kind of made my day.
Later this afternoon, my old friend Susie G. called me from Atlanta to check in and we had a really nice chat. She said she thinks about me every day. She also reads my blog (she asked me if she could subscribe! How sweet is that?). Luckily, at the minute she called, I was actually in the mood to talk. It’s hit or miss these days. Again, minute-by-minute, things shift and move around in my spotty brain and it’s really a crap shoot on whether or not I will answer the phone. I’m glad I did. It made me happy.
I guess today, all in all, I had a good day. Today was a Bethybright-ish day. It was sunny out, and for once, I didn’t curse the sun.
I have to learn take them when they come.
I need to look them in the eye and say, “Thanks, fairly-decent-sunny-day. You’re not so bad. I might not have walked around the block like I always tell myself I should when the weather is pretty and I feel semi-ok (I almost never do, but one should have goals). I only accomplished one short, semi-frivolous errand. But you didn’t suck. Thanks for not sucking, day. I needed that.”
Sometimes bright-ish is just bright enough.