I’m laying here trying to remember the last time I showered. It might have been Friday. Last Friday. Almost five days ago.

I’m not sure why this bothers me. I’ve been swimming multiple times. I’ve conditioned my hair. I just haven’t felt like showering. I guess it worries me. I’m feeling melancholy. I guess that worries me too.

Maybe it’s my usual pre-trip anxiety.

My suitcase is packed and instead of feeling excited about the paradise that awaits me, I’m worrying about every possible thing. I’m dying to get away and dying to stay here. I’m afraid to stay here for fear I’ll never leave. Here is the only place I feel ok. Here is where I feel trapped and afraid. Here is where I feel safe. I’m not sure how to justify all of the contradictions in my feelings. Here is where I am alone. Alone is what I usually love to be. Why does it make me worry now?

The things I used to crave I’m starting to fear.

Maybe this trip is exactly what I need. Five days with Lani and Billy. Five days not alone. Maybe that will be good for me. Maybe I won’t feel like crying so much.

Maybe I just need to take a shower and I’ll feel better.