My life has become a chemistry experiment.

I mean, on one hand, I guess that’s better than my life being a never ending loop of sleeping, working, trying to watch an hour of tv, sleeping more, maybe read a sentence or two, sleep some more, work again. Sleep even more. Repeat.

That was getting old.

When I got this magical medicine, I told myself I would only take it when absolutely necessary. I told myself it was for special occasions – like the dreaded business travel or the long day of meetings or visiting commercial real estate locations in one long day. I told myself I would ration these pills and use them when I really needed to feel more human, not more not less.

That was, of course, before I took the first one and realized they actually freaking work.

I didn’t feel Solu-Medrol good, nothing could compare to those glorious early days on IV steroids. But I felt almost human, good. Like..me. The old me. I still needed to watch my step, every step. I still needed to be careful and all of that but I felt energized. I could even walk better. Could it be true that when your entire body is fatigued that basic things like walking are harder? And when you’re not fatigued, those things suddenly become instantly easier? Could it be that easy?

The other thing that feels a lot less taxing? Showering. I’ve done it twice this week already. I mean. WHOAH. I know. I can’t believe I’m admitting this here in public either but there you have it. Usually taking a shower finishes me for the day. It makes me tired just thinking about taking a shower. I’ve done it twice and it’s only Thursday.

So I bought more pills. I only bought ten more because the suddenly nice Nurse Carol tells me she is making a holy stink at the insurance company and she’s pretty sure I’m gonna get my appeal approved so I should hang in there. And then I was gonna save the ten pills too. Maybe every other day?

Here’s the thing. I don’t want to feel like shit for one more day. Not even one. And I have a degenerative disease which basically means that, short of some kind of modern medical miracle, it’s going to just get worse. The idea that I can take a pill every day and feel pretty ok? It’s intoxicating.

So what if I have to set an alarm to get up extra early to take a pill. So what if I have to plan my bedtime to make sure my body (the one that doesn’t feel like it needs rest while dosed) actually gets a lot of rest anyway because the feeling isn’t real. I do need the rest so that means I’m constantly doing simple math in my head…how many hours between taking the pill and drinking coffee? How many hours of sleep if I set my alarm for 6AM? How many chapters can I read before I have to take my nighttime spasm drug that knocks me out? How many, how long, how much?

It’s so worth it.

I’ll budget if my appeal doesn’t go through. I will spend the money and I will take the pill because it’s not failure to admit you need medicine to feel human. I need medicine to feel human!

That’s not giving in. That’s goddamn science!