I did a thing today.
 
I’m coming up on my last day of anti-viral medication for my damn, cursed shingles and I’m DYING to get out of this house and into the world. I miss my work family! I miss people! I miss putting on make up and pretending to be just like YOU (not YOU, you, but YOU them who leave their houses every day in cute clothes and fun outfits). So I did a little test.
 
I took me and Stanley to Target for a few necessary supplies. I’d have Stanley, sure, but I would also have a cart to hold on to so how bad could it be? It felt like a low-risk test. The sun was out. The humidity was low-ish. AND I HAVE A NEW CONVERTIBLE TO DRIVE WITH VENTILATED COOLING SEATS. Sorry. I still get super excited about that fact every time I think about it. I’m shallow. I can’t hide it.
My list of what I needed at Target was somewhat short. I had my path mapped out to accommodate the least amount of steps possible. I really thought it would be OK. And it was. Kind of.
I mean, I had to stop and pee the minute I arrived at the store. THEN, I had to stop and rest about half way through my store journey because my legs started to drag and hate me. No worries! There is a bench right there next to the pharmacy as if it were put there for people just like me. I sat there for 15 minutes pretending to be on the phone. I have no idea why it felt more OK to sit there if I were on an important phone call. I neglected to realize that I was merely proving to my fellow shoppers that I could not walk and talk at the same time but no matter. I took a rest.
I got through check out and lo! My legs turned wonky again so I headed to the in-store Starbucks to get a completely unnecessary cold brew coffee so I could sit in the cafe area and rest again. I made an actual phone call during this rest that lasted about 20 minutes.
I had to have walked like 12,000 steps by now and that’s why I was so tired!  Just to prove myself right, I checked my Stepz app on my phone.
Um. OK. I had just walked a whopping 664 steps. How is that even possible? I am a pathetic excuse for a Target shopper. I needed help unloading my car when I got home because I was so physically exhausted. Thankfully, though, help was available because my legs were so tired when I got home that I  *almost* fell, over absolutely nothing in my damn living room, caught myself while I was spinning and lurching in super-slow-falling motion and said a quick prayer to the gods of gravity that I didn’t end up on the floor in a twisted heap.
That was some walking/energy/dexterity/grace test I just failed. Yay me!
But then just a few minutes ago I sat down to rest and to obsessively check my blog stats, I found some more uplifting numbers.
I cannot lie. I get a little charge of excitement, a tiny thrill up my spotted spine every time I get a new reader. I’m such a newbie in this whole MS blogging world. There are SO many, many MS blogs out there. SO many people writing about the same things in different ways. It always nags at me that I don’t have millions of readers every single day, just dying to read the next pearls of wisdom that drip from my somewhat numb fingers once a week or so. But today was kind of awesome for a few reasons.
First, I hit a new milestone on my blog’s Facebook page where I somehow acquired 900 people who tell me they “like” my page. WHAT? Nine hundred people who aren’t being paid and who are not members of my closest friends and family are visiting my Facebook page? Ok. A good chunk of those 900 are probably friends and family who know me IRL, but I’m still kind of amazed. Nine. Hundred. People. That’s almost a thousand, y’all. I’m kind of blown away.
Then I did the other thing I do with an odd compulsive drive and that is checking my blog stats.
I know I shouldn’t do it. I know I write this thing mostly for myself. Mostly I write because it helps me to have a record, to have a reminder and to work out my own madly confusing experience with this complicated disease and the even more complicated feelings I have about having this complicated disease. I am always the person who benefits the most from the act of writing this very public record of all the crazy shit that keeps happening since I first started to think something might not be quite right with my central nervous system.
But as of today, over 50 thousand people have viewed this weird little corner of my psyche. FIFTY THOUSAND.
Again. I know this is nothing. This is pittance as it relates to MS blogs that have a huge following and bloggers who have been doing this thing longer (and probably better) than I ever could – but it kind of blew my mind in a very good way.
I realized that it’s not just the writing that helps me. It’s the reality of truly being seen for what and who I now am. It’s the overwhelming calm that comes with knowing I am not alone. Someone really does get it! Lots of people get it, in fact, but you guys REALLY get it in the way that only someone who has this disease (or some other similar malady that causes maddeningly unpredictable crazy shit to happen in your lives) truly can. No disrespect intended for my family and friends in real life…they might not be able to 100% relate but they sure try and for that I am also crazy grateful and so so lucky.
Anyway. I almost killed myself today walking only 664 steps but these other numbers that also happened today made me feel pretty good. I can’t walk so good but I can write (even with one numb pinky finger).
There are 889 more people reading this blog than I ever would have expected in the first place (a scientific equation of my total readers/followers minus approximate number of friends and family who read this because they kind of have to).
Thank you for giving me a reason to look at the bright side on this sunny day. Thank you for seeing me as I am and not running really fast in the other direction. Thanks for getting me. That’s really nice of you guys.