The shingles and MS combo has got your girl all useless and weak. I feel like my legs will give out any time I’m on them for longer than a few minutes. That doesn’t bode well for my big important work meeting tomorrow afternoon…so I had to call in the big guns, er, chairs?

I decided to look into renting a transport chair for days like this where I need to be somewhere important but I can’t get myself anywhere on the power of my own two legs. Our office manager made the calls for me so it was even easier – but then something crazy happened. She was relaying information about the contact and the options she had looked into when I happened to be in my mother’s kitchen writing it down on a pad of paper. As I’m writing “Pittsburgh WheelChair Exchange – contact is Gary.” My mom starts waving her arms around like a lunatic.

“I think that’s Gary (name from my youth) so-and-so…you need to call him yourself!”

Gary was not only my sister’s boyfriend in high school but he was also my co-worker during my growing up years when I worked the counter and he slung lunch or late-night stoner food at a local sandwich/pizza shop less than a block from my house in the city neighborhood where I grew up. I called the number and left a voice mail, “Hey Gary, it’s Bethie from Morningside. I’m wondering if you’re the same Gary I know from days gone by. I’m the one Pam has been harassing you about who needs the transport chair. Call me back when you can.”

Long story short (not my specialty but I’m gonna give it my best shot), it was the very same Gary. He’s been in the mobility game for almost 30 years selling, renting and repairing/servicing all manner of mobility aids. He not only delivered this chariot to my office this afternoon, but he refused to take my money for it. Flat out big NO on the payment issue. This makes me incredibly uncomfortable, as you can imagine, I hate taking things for free that I can easily pay for. But my mom talked me into allowing Gary to do me this kindness so I did. I’m still plotting how I can somehow pay him back. Something will come to me…But until that time, I am the proud owner of this nutty red and black four wheeled chariot for which I paid $0.

I’ve been considering some kind of electric scooter or chair or something until I get to the point where my legs are more reasonably operational. Oddly, I have an irrational fear of motorized vehicles that can’t be categorized as actual cars. I have vivid visions of myself careening around, crashing spectacularly somewhere on the streets of downtown Pittsburgh and maiming myself, or even worse, some unfortunate random stranger. To this my mother says to me, “Have you seen the old people rolling around in those things at the Giant Eagle?? I think if old crotchety people can handle it, you can too.”  The thing is, I don’t see it this way.

I did say it was an irrational fear, right?

Gary has various and many different options that I can go to his place of business and actually test drive. How awesome is that? He told he that he’s been helping people with mobility challenges for a really long time and people like me, who can walk but sometimes not so well and always not so far, are pretty much the majority of his customers. Joda, my MS friend and personal guru, advises me all the time about giving up my fear of the chair. Something that could help me do more shouldn’t be viewed as a failure or as a bad thing. I know this. I agree 100%. Joda is super wise and pretty much always right.

And yet…And yet, I’m gonna hate being wheeled around like the Handi-Queen of Sheba tomorrow afternoon by one of my very unlucky co-workers in order to get my useless body into a room where my very useful brain can do its magic. It’s just the way it has to be, thanks to my current physical state, but I’m not sure how I’m going to feel about it. I guess I can tell you that tomorrow around 4PM?

I’m considering wearing something really outrageous or carrying a bluetooth speaker along blaring Chamillionaire’s signature tune (and one of my personal favorites) because I am definitely going to qualify for ridin’ dirty. No two ways about that. I will be the very definition of riding’ dirty. I feel like I should personally apologize to Chamillionaire for re-defining his big hit.

Anyway…I’ve had more than one nightmare since agreeing to this whole chair plan about all of the ways in which this could go wrong. I’ve had visions of how awkward I’m gonna feel needing to be carted around downtown Pittsburgh like my very own personal Memorial Day parade float, a few days early. I wonder how I’m going to feel being rolled into a damn meeting?

I guess I’m going to try being happy that I am in the freaking meeting at all, that I’m not struggling to move my legs (like I have every one of the last three times I’ve been to this particular company for a meeting). I’m going to try and be happy that I don’t have to worry about the physical manifestations of my particular brand of MS instead of feeling foolish for needing a bit of  hand (er, wheels?) in order to make it happen.

I also scheduled my physical therapy evaluation next week. I feel like I’ve put this step off for way too long. I’ve been using my weakness and unsteadiness as reason for why I can’t make time for doing things that might actually help my weakness and unsteadiness. Kind of dumb, right? I’ve been prioritizing work over my personal wellness and care. I know that seems dumb.

It sure doesn’t feel dumb to me when I think about how important this job is to funding everything I need now to live any kind of quality of life. I need health insurance. I need the ability to pay for help and access to the best care possible. That’s all possible because of my job. To say the least of the emotional benefits of feeling like the “old” me when I’m in front of a room in a new business pitch meeting. I’m not willing to give any of that up.

I’m going to try and do both. See how that goes? Focusing on one to the exclusion of the other isn’t working so well leading me to believe I might need to try something new. Until that day when my legs start behaving like legs should once more, I’m probably going to have to accept the need to roll around every now and again. I’m gonna get my head right with that. Let’s hope I do it before tomorrow around 2PM.

I’m also going to focus on being super grateful that the universe seems to throw me a few bones every now and then, like this completely out of the blue random kindness from an old friend who also happens to have the expertise to help me out. Like my shrink who also happens to have MS some things just seem too randomly positive not to serve as little reminders that there is good in the world, even for those of us who are battling this shithead of a disease.

Wish me luck! Wish me no chair-related disasters…wish me co-workers who are strong and willing to be my engine room…wish me a great meeting that leads to good things for my team and my company…

…Cause me and my dogs, I gotta get back to back streets.*

*With apologies to the true poet that is Chamillionaire and the song that is “Ridin’ Dirty.” I never skip this song when it comes on Shuffle in my car, in fact, I crank the volume and even sing the spoken/rap parts. Which should be illegal for a middle aged white woman, I fully realize, and yet I do it anyway. Also, I do realize I linked to this video twice. That’s how strongly I feel about this particular timeless tune.