The bar for having a happy birthday this year is decidedly low, what with the fact that I spent last year’s birthday doing my first stint at inpatient rehab after the surgery for my baclofen pump implantation.

Since my birthday last year was five whole days after surgery on Valentine’s Day, all I remember about those early days was being horrified by not only using my first bedpans but regularly overflowing them or perhaps even worse, being held up over an actual toilet under my armpits by not one but two male nurses (looking at you Paulo and Andy). Or the memory is of adjusting to the horror of my first days using a manual IPR loaner wheelchair (spoiler alert…they’re all wonky) without a single clue that in a few short weeks everyone in the world would be getting their very own dose of what it’s like to be chronically ill when Covid hit and the entire world shut down.

The birthday bar is decidedly low, people.

I took the day off of work today for my birthday, so yay me,  but it didn’t stop me from crying almost the minute my eyes opened this morning because here we are experiencing pandemic 2.0 (or is it 3.0, or even 7.0 by now) and I just really miss my people.

I miss my family most of all – my nephew Alex who was such a huge part of my dreadful 2020 by being one of only a few actual rays of light during that no-good very bad year that had me spending 90+ days as an inpatient when it seemed me and my fancy new pump would never quite figure out our complicated relationship.

I miss my mom like, whoah. I pretty much saw her every single day in 2020 with very few exceptions but then I went back in the joint in November of last year, and my mom started her cancer treatment AND Covid went nuts again so…yeh. We haven’t had much time together since early November. (Side note for those asking…my mom is through her treatment and doing as well as can be expected. She’s tough to hold down. All signs are positive that she’ll come through this like the trooper she has always been).

I miss my sister and her bizarro world blend of zen and goofball philosophy that is purely a brand all her own. I miss my strangely quiet brother. I miss my friends. I miss everyone.

I know. Everyone misses everyone because that’s how a pandemic works, right? But here’s the thing. This whole shut-in thing was my life well in advance of March 2020. For me (and many like me) it’s been much longer. It’s actually going on three years since my quality of life took a huge nosedive and my circle of life became so much smaller that it threatened to suffocate me. Even going to my office was like a trip to Disneyland in that it was simultaneously somehow the happiest and most horrifying place on earth, but I could drive myself there every now and then and it felt good. Ahhhhh. Driving. Remember driving? Driving with the top down to see some nature and grab a Sonic blast or a Starbucks?

Sorry. That was an unintended sidebar forgive me. My point was that I’m so tired of not seeing the people I love! I miss them so much it physically hurts. But here I am at the end of my first day of being 54 and I did end up getting to see a couple of my people and it was the best thing ever. Ever ever.

I saw them in my beautiful new house. I look outside on the snow covered nature that I’m now suddenly surrounded by and I feel lucky. So so lucky. I even feel lucky when I’m exchanging IMs with one of my new bosses at 10pm on a Thursday night before my birthday because all of this incredible beauty doesn’t pay for itself.

I feel lucky even when I end the day in tears. Or start the day in tears. Or cry many many tears in the middle of the day when some random bad thing happens. Because random bad things still happen all of the time. This is just a house and I still have MS. It’s still scary as fuck. It’s still so exhausting that it often leaves me a bit bleary eyed and tingly in all of my fingers on both hands after a 9 or 10 hour work day.

But I’m so very very lucky to get another day in which to try figuring things out. I almost said “get another year” and then I realized how silly a thing that is to say. Because who really knows? But it feels good to be 54 instead of not being 54. There was a time not so very long ago when I wasn’t sure I’d ever feel that way again so it feels like a victory or sorts.

This is going to be another weird year in a series of decidedly messed up years.

I will be re-learning how to live alone again in the next month. Who would have thought I’d ever unlearn that? And unlearn it so quickly at that. Part of me is scared shitless at the mere idea of being alone in this house all of the sudden and another part of me can’t wait. Sometimes I get so afraid of that reality that it takes my breath away. Then I remember what I can do. What I’ve done. How I’ve done it. Even when I’ve hated doing it.

Anyway.

I’m looking forward to 54. I’m looking forward to remembering who I am. Finding out who I will be now. Learning how to drive with hand controls! Going outside all by myself for the first time (and then likely remembering almost immediately how much I prefer inside). Figuring out how to make compression socks with shorts fashion. Maybe getting to an actual hair salon so I can have my blonde hair back again! I miss it so much. What a silly thing to focus on after all I’ve been through in the last 365 days! It turns out that after all is said and done, I’m still a pretty silly person. Ridiculous even. It feels good to remember that.

So if I wake up tomorrow and I find myself crying first thing in the morning again I will try to remember that crying is just part it. I’m not talking about just part of having MS. I’m talking about just being a part of life. A part I tried to turn off for so long it almost freaks me out to think about it.

I’m learning to cry. And laugh. And just be. Emphasis on the learning part because I’m still so uptight and anxious most of the time that it threatens to paralyze me before MS has the chance to do it first. But I’m dedicated. And stubborn. I will learn. I will learn it all.

In my own good sweet time.

Look at that. It’s midnight. I missed my own birthday with my birthday post. Somehow that seems appropriate. Thanks for being along for the ride with me this past year. You’ve made it bearable. Even if you don’t realize it.

Let’s do this 54 thing.