I wrote this in my journal in 2021 and I read it again tonight and it made me think how relevant it still is so I’m going to copy and paste it here in this space that I’ve ignored for so long.

I’m reminding myself in writing today.

Bad feelings are completely normal in my situation. Feeling anxious and unsure is pretty much how anyone would feel in this situation and medicating my unpleasant feelings away doesn’t have to be the answer. I can do hard things. This, this getting through a day with the buzzing in my head and the fear in my heart and the random twitch in my right leg and the pains in my forearms and neck – this is a hard thing. And I can do the hard things. In fact, I’ve been doing this particular hard thing for months now. Maybe years.

Why is pain so scary? Why is health uncertainty so unsettling? Truth be told, every human is just as uncertain about their health as I am – they just haven’t been forced to deal with it daily as I have. Maybe they never will. This is my hard thing and I know I can handle it. It involves a lot of bad feelings that need dealing with. It involves a lot of crying – or it should. I plan to get back to that once my mom moves out on Thursday.

Yep. You read that right. Mom is finally moving out. I can get back to figuring out my new daily routines again. Audrey and I can have friend time again. God I miss friend time so much!

I’m going to be able to sleep in my bedroom. I’m not sure how to even think about that it’s been so long sleeping in the living room. That’s a new routine that feels long overdue. My bedroom chair arrived a few weeks ago and I’ve been unable to use it. That’s about to change. It’s going to be super weird. But I hope it eventually feels right. Eventually.

Back to today.

I’m going to acknowledge my twitching leg without allowing it to ruin my day. I’m going to acknowledge my freezing feet and various pains and know that bad feelings don’t equal a bad life. If I need to take a Klonipin later I’m gonna do it and not give myself grief about it. I’m going to poop when I need to poop and try not to be overwhelmed by the uncertainty of not knowing when or if I’m going to go.

Right now I’m going to get dressed for the day and remind myself again:

I CAN DO HARD THINGS.