I can remember a time when being alone with my favorite thing. It was my idea of a perfect day to spend it by myself. I was my own best company.Then I became significantly disabled and requiring of a caregivers help24/7 and being alone became a thing of the past. I thought I would never get used to it, but when you need somebody to help you with the very most basic functions of life, such as sitting up or standing up to change from Chair to Chair, it becomes a nightmare to be alone. It becomes the very worst idea for a way to spend the day.

Because of a Caregiver situation where I’m down one whole person for coverage, I don’t have coverage 24 seven anymore. This means I’m alone for great chunks of time where I have to be in compression socks, be in my wheelchair. Be in complete discomfort. For long periods of time. This is a very difficult to get used to. It requires something called radical acceptance. This is something that I’ve learned in therapy that when you give up trying to fight a situation where you have no ability to make a change or you just have to accept your reality. You have to let go of all your expectations. You have to accept the discomfort is going to be in your world. And likely you’ll have very little control over your situation so radical acceptance is truly your only option.

Radical acceptance is not easy. I’m not gonna lie. I’m struggling. I’m openly struggling with trying to keep myself in the state of mind and not jump out of my skin out of sheer nervous energy in the inability to stop myself from wanting to just scream or stand up by myself or be able to walk again or just to be able to be a normal person for five minutes.

There’s the concept that we all try to avoid the idea that there is such a thing as a normal person. That be disabled is somehow a state of being abnormal. It’s very difficult to get out of the mindset because it’s just true in a lot of cases being disabled as a reality that I live in, but it’s not something that I’ve totally accepted clearly. Radical acceptance is a work in progress for me and it’s something that I work on daily.

I try to remember how much I loved being alone in the past. Being alone, man I could do whatever I wanted to do whenever I wanted to do it. I could watch what I wanted to watch. I could sing if I wanted to sing I could get in my car and drive for miles and miles with the wind in my hair and singing at the top of my lungs and just let myself be free. Driving. A thing of the past for me now used to be one of my favorite things to do alone. Again with the loss of normalcy that I can’t seem to let go of.

I wanna be one of those people you know the ones “MS doesn’t have me.” But MS has me firmly in its clutches, and I can’t deny it. When radical acceptance becomes a requirement in your life, you really don’t have a choice in the matter you have to give in, you have to let your life flow. You have to be like the water. I tried to remind myself that being like the water is the way toward radical acceptance. Let time and reality flow around you. Let your thoughts be like leaves on a stream. Watch the leaves flow by and away down the stream instead of sticking in your brain and driving you mad.Leaves on a stream is another idea of radical acceptance that I struggle with, but it’s something that I’ve learned and something that I try to practice when I’m in situations like this where I have no choice, but to accept my extreme discomfort.

I’m trying to remind myself what it feels like to be alone and to love it once again. So far, it has alluded me, but I have hope I have a strong brain and I can do hard things. I have to remind myself of that constantly that hard things are in my life and I can do them I can manage and I can master notions like radical acceptance what I put my brain toward that.

It reminds me of a post I once wrote where I reminded myself to remember, who you are. Don’t forget the fundamental nature of what makes you you. Don’t allow disability to take that away at the very core of your being you are still you. There’s still the U inside that loves to be alone and you need to find her. You need to welcome her in and you need to give her a big old hug. And you need to let her know that discomfort is her reality. It won’t kill her. It might just make her stronger.

Relying on another human for basic fundamental needs such as moving from chair to chair or using the restroom is a humbling experience. I don’t know that I thought that I could ever learn to live with it. For it to become my new normal. And yet it is my new normal once again it’s my reality and I have to accept it. I have to employ radical acceptance and remember that having people in my life that are here to help me do these fundamental things is a gift. And it’s a gift not everybody has. I need to find a way to be grateful for what I have instead of resenting my reality I need to embrace it. and while I’m embracing it, I need to remember who I am.

I wish I could say this was an easy task, dear readers. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and I’ve done some pretty hard things in my life. I can feel your support out there and I love it and I appreciate it more than you can even imagine.

In other news, I’m working on a manuscript for a book based on my blog writings. Liking and sharing these posts would really help me right now. Would help me build an audience, which is one of the things that publishers are going to be looking for as I’m out there, looking for an agent. So please like and share away and help me get to the next level with my book project.