Tomorrow is infusion day number 4. My first that I can drive myself to. I’m both happy and sad. I’ll miss mornings with Foody. She has a way of making me laugh first thing in the AM that will definitely be missed.
I am dreading it, to be honest. It’s like going to a place to be reminded that you’re sick. Surrounded by people who are also sick. Talking about how sick they feel. Or how they don’t feel sick at all which also pisses me off. There will be the waiting for my turn to get poked. The constant chatter and pet names and sunshine bright voices. It will annoy me. I can’t help it! It will annoy me. I want to not be sick, see. And it’s hard to pretend to not be sick when you’re in a room surrounded by sick people.
Part of me wants to bring headphones. Or a book. I want to but I don’t think I have the guts to actually do that. I’m sure it would be frowned upon. I’m sure people will think I’m rude or stand off-ish. I’d like to say I don’t care – but you know there’s a deep seated need in me to be acceptable and liked and that will likely stop me from actually doing it.
But I am not looking forward to it.