I keep seeing these things lately that say lofty things like, “this is the only life you get! Don’t waste it!” Or “life is happening out there – go grab it.” Or, “don’t let life slip away while you sit and watch it.” Or one of my personal favorites “there’s time to sleep when you’re dead!”
I have to tell you. I’m not here for these sayings. Or this entire philosophy. This whole idea that life is about how much you can do or see or accomplish or achieve or experience. Oh wait. That’s another good one! “Don’t spend your money on things, spend your money having experiences.” I really get chafed when I think of that one.
The people who spout these things probably never had trouble walking to the bathroom after getting out of her desk chair. Or got so tired walking up the steps from the basement that she had to rest for ten minutes before going the rest of the way upstairs. Here’s the thing. I’m not feeling sorry for myself. I’m really not. A hell of a lot of people have it a hell of a lot worse than I do. I’m feeling pressured. Pressured by all of these ideas of what my life should be in order to be considered worthwhile or a life well lived.
What if life is about quiet. Or getting lost in an amazing book. Or writing something that makes your heart feel full even if nobody else ever sees it. Or seeing something pretty – from inside the car. Or being ok with whatever it is you’re able to do and still find peace in your heart. Even if it means buying something (yes some THING) that gives you joy.
I feel pressured by all of the goddamn activity. The coolness. The pics of everyone having so much goddamn fun all over the goddamn place! What’s worse…I’m guilty of it. When I’m doing amazing things or seeing amazing places I’m all up in your feed telling you about it – showing you how much goddamn life I’m living! Like I need to prove to the world how rich and worthwhile my life really is.
Here’s the thing. My life might not be about all of that. My life might be slow. And quiet. And require a good deal of resting. And goddamn, that has to be enough. Because if it’s not, if my life isn’t what a life is supposed to be – well. I don’t have a whole lotta options right now. Maybe I will (maybe after magical infusion number 5? Who the eff knows…it’s only 5 and I’m already tired of counting). But what if I don’t?
I’ll have to find joy somewhere in the slow, quiet, not-chock-full-of-action life I have in front of me. It doesn’t make for great social media content or even the best Insta pics. But I have to find a way for it to make me happy. I’m exhausted by all of the pressure I’m putting on myself to grab life by the balls and be active and be fabulous and failing utterly.
What if I can’t? What if I just have to sit here and watch sometimes? It has to be enough. For me.