I’ve written before about therapy and how important it is to me. Today therapy provided me with context for one of the most daunting situations I’ve found myself in for a very long time. Dr. KB has helped me identify the fact that I am a person made of parts. Two distinct parts. There is Able Me and Disabled Me fighting for space inside of me. It seems obvious! As soon as I write the words it smacks me in the face but she’s the voice inside my head that won’t stop judging Disabled Me and the way she’s living her life now.

“How can you just sit there doing NYT crosswords on the computer for hours? What kind of life is that?” she asks over and over again. She uses the old reality of who I used to be to judge how I live now as unworthy. Able Me was a kick ass go getter. She made over $200K a year working in advertising. She had a job that had importance stamped on its tile. Chief I was called. Executive I was called. She called the meetings and then ran the meeting. She commanded respect by achieving business goals, creating wealth for others, winning new business with great ideas from motivated agency teams that followed her lead. With this business success there was financial success that enabled her to often play the role of savior to family and friends in need of cash.

When her nephew needed someplace to live she up and bought him a house. The house next door to her aging mother in a city neighborhood where the houses sit less than 10 feet away from each other meaning Alex, the nephew, would not only have a safe place to live but he’d be close to his grandmother who thrived taking care of others. She has him for dinner where they can share food as well as valuable time together. There can be no price placed on the importance of them having this kind of relationship. Able Me did that! How wonderful. Money might not be able to buy love but it sure can make life easier in so many ways.

Disabled Me currently has -$7.93 in her bank account with more than a week to go until Social Security payday. She is currently out of basic food items like yogurt and fruit to eat for breakfast. Not to mention less vital things like skincare products and the like. Disabled Me is teaching herself how to live with very little. She is learning that stuff isn’t the answer.

Able Me had a life full of stuff. More stuff than you can imagine. So much stuff that she was overwhelmed by the weight of it when moving to this new house in the suburbs where her new life would play out. Able Me would be horrified by the austerity inherent in Disabled Me’s existence. She wouldn’t know how to live without money. Money was abundant in Able Me’s world.

Disabled Me just wants to be left alone. She wants to do her crosswords in peace. She knows her new life can’t accommodate the excess of her old life. MS has taken her ability to do things that require the use of working legs – things as easy as standing up not to mention bigger things that Able Me could easily manage such as driving fancy convertible cars. Driving anything is long over.

Sitting still is the fundamental reality of Disabled Me’s life. Sitting is the only thing she can do so finding herself obsessed with NYT crosswords is a happy accident. Imagine that! Something to keep her brain engaged and active that can be done while sitting.

The last thing Disabled Me needs is a constant voice in her head needling her about spending so much time doing something so trivial but that’s what she gets from Able Me. It needs to stop but Disabled Me finds herself without the ability to do stop that voice. Adding this frustration to the list of things she can no longer do.

I told Dr. KB that Disabled Me wants to make Able Me go away for good but Dr. KB explained that making her go away isn’t really an option simply because she is a part of me. My parts both need to find a role to play in this thing called life. Dr. KB made that clear. My job now is to find a role for Able Me to play.

Able Me didn’t have a relationship in her life like Disabled Me has with Evie, my live-in caregiver. Evie often explains that her quality of life wouldn’t be as positive without a me in the world. Me being in this world has given  Evie a safe, beautiful home to live in. Because of me, Evie has discovered the basic goodness of journaling. She starting writing in a small notebook. She works out feelings that clang around inside of her without resolution. Before journaling, these feelings just got noisier and more threatening by the day. Because of me, Evie has discovered the miracle of words in ink on paper.

I may not have the obvious value of Able  Me. I can no longer swoop in with my big money to solve problems. I can no longer buy that house. I can’t even buy freaking yogurt! But Disabled Me has value that Able Me could only dream of. Both of me are loved.

Love is the basic realness that allows both versions of me to live a life worth living even if that life really loves crosswords! I am loved. Holy shit, how did I get so lucky? Maybe focusing on this reality more will help both parts of me to relax.

It’s the bright and the dark, again, isn’t it? You’d think I’d get it by now.