As is often the case, a big idea came during my weekly therapy session with Dr. KB. This week’s big idea was pure personhood. What’s that you might ask? I would explain that pure personhood is what’s left in life after you strip away all of the things you used to find so critically important. Things like a big, important job perhaps in advertising like I had. Things like a luxury vehicle like my convertible Mercedes Benz. Things like all of the expensive clothes, shoes, make up – all of the things I used to think made me Me. The trappings of being a normal healthy person.

When I lost the use of me lower extremities, I lost all of those trappings. Clothing now consists of simple black t-shirts and cotton shorts from Amazon. Shoes have been replaced with compression socks or good old bare feet. Make up is a thing of the past, now I face my daily life with a clean bare face. I have kept up my skin care obsession, of course,  but that trapping just feels smart for a nearly 60-year-old woman to have. I remember the day I lost my Mercedes, when I watched my beautiful car drive away without me in it because I couldn’t drive it anymore. I remember giving up the trappings of my big important job in advertising – when I became medically retired leaving the constant stress of clients and agency politics behind me and I took up a daily habit of doing crosswords in front of my computer each day instead.

I remember the early days when I officially took on the label of Sick Person. Such a complicated label! I am a Sick Person! No matter how many times I say it it never gets any easier to accept.

I explained to Dr. KB that the label Sick Person comes with a whole lotta baggage in my head that I’m not sure where it all comes from even. Perhaps it comes from society. Society has a long list of prejudices related to disability and the usefulness of disabled people that sneak into my brain but the baggage I’m feeling comes from inside of me, not from society. To me, the label Sick Person feels instantly lesser than, something less than a whole person. When you might visit a Sick Person it might be because you feel obligated not because you actually enjoy the Sick Person’s company. When you arrive at the Sick Person’s home her room is dark and airless. She lacks windows and natural light, her space reflects her lot in life – sad, hopeless, devoid of joy.

But the truth of my situation as a Sick Person is nothing like the image that comes to mind described above. I specifically searched for a house full of windows and natural light when I searched for the place I would spend my medically retired years. I don’t go outside, true, but the outside and nature are very much present in my life even from my position at my desk playing crosswords with my legs up on a pillow. My visitors don’t come out of obligation but they come because they actually love me and enjoy my person even if I am undeniably a Sick Person. At a recent visit with my family me nephew actually made me laugh out loud, spontaneously from my gut I laughed right out loud long and loud. What a wondrous feeling! Just sitting at my kitchen table chatting awash in natural light from my big beautiful windows surrounded by family, I felt the joy of spontaneous laughter. Even as a Sick Person, this surprising joy is possible.

And yet, and yet I have days when my brain goes on a tear berating myself for how I am living my life as a Sick Person. I tell myself I’m not trying hard enough. I tell myself that I should be trying harder to DO more, BE more than this crossword-doing Sick Person I have become. There has to be more, I tell myself! I HAVE to try harder. TRY is exactly like that in my brain – in all caps screaming at me. I spend days with these thoughts screaming at me while I keep my brain active with my beloved crosswords. As Dr. KB and I discussed, acceptance is something that comes and goes. I thought I did all of this acceptance work already! I’ve talked about it in therapy for years. I’ve written about it over and over again. And yet, here I am writing about it yet again! I’ll be amazed if anyone actually reads this redundant post. And yet, that’s where I am.

The thing is, there is another side of being the Sick Person. That’s the side where sickness gifted me yet more wondrous love in my life like the amazing new friend love I receive from Evie, my live-in Caregiver and best friend. This is a love of total acceptance. Sickness gifted me time to slow down and enjoy by beloved crosswords for as long as I like. Sickness gifted me a reality without the need to try so goddamn hard to look a particular way, drive a fancy car, hang on to the big important job in advertising no matter that the stress was so overwhelming.

Being the Sick Person gifted me a different kind of life. Once again the duality of life and love becomes clear in my mind. The bright and the dark. Existing inside of me at the same time. Simultaneously. And that’s where I live. I am going to try and settle in and get comfortable and see how that goes for a change. Wish me luck.